Crash's Trousers
by Hyperactive Hamster Of Doom
Summary: Crash, Jimbo, Noddy and Scum are still trying to find fame – and a name for their unsuccessful Music With Rocks In band. Will they ever be famous? Probably not. But they’ve got some more ideas for names… will they find the right one? Read and find out!
1. The Story!

**Crash's Trousers  
**by the Hyperactive Hamster Of Doom

**Summary:** Crash, Jimbo, Noddy and Scum are still trying to find fame – and a name for their unsuccessful Music With Rocks In band. Will they ever be famous? Probably not. But they've got some more ideas for names … will they find the right one this time? Read and find out!

**Rating:** K+** Category:** Humor

**Disclaimer:** If I owned the Discworld, I would be extremely rich. But I'm not extremely rich. Therefore, I don't own the Discworld. If you don't believe me, buy one of the books and take a look at the name on the cover. It's not mine, is it? QED.

**Crash's Trousers  
**by the Hyperactive Hamster Of Doom

"Now… the important thing, the _really_ important thing is… what're we going to call ourselves?" – Crash, _Soul Music_

Crash stared gloomily at the wall as Noddy picked up a piece of paper. On the paper was a long list of names, nearly all of which had been crossed out.

"All right, what've we got?" said Crash, with a sigh.

Noddy cleared his throat.

"Um… Crash?" he said, after several embarrassing seconds.

"Yeah?"

"…I've forgotten how to read, like."

"Give it here," said Jimbo, snatching the paper. His lips moved for a moment as he read the list, then he said:

"Well… there's Foreign Termite Ranch…"

"What's a termite?" said Scum, scratching his head.

"Nope," said Crash.

"… Soggy Wafer…"

"That's stupid," said Noddy.

"Yeah," said Crash. "Whose idea was that?"

"Yours, I think," said Jimbo absent-mindedly. "Then there's The Crimson Flaming Cold Peppers - "

"That's _really _stupid," said Crash, rolling his eyes.

"That was my idea," said Scum proudly.

"I thought so," said Crash. "What else?"

"Well, we've got Paradise…" Jimbo continued. "No, wait, we already crossed that off. What about Skymaker? That's a good name."

"Can't have that one," Noddy said automatically. "My mate Dodgy and his mates picked that one last week, and they said they'd beat us up if we nicked it."

"Okay. How about Apez?" suggested Jimbo.

"Apes?" said Crash, frowning. "What're you on about apes for?"

"No, _Apez_. With a Z," said Jimbo. "That orangutan who used to be with The Band thought of that one. Well, what he actually _said_ was "Oook", but there was a wizard with him, like, and the wizard said he definitely meant Apez."

They thought about it for a while.

"Nah," said Crash eventually.

"What happened to them, anyway?" said Noddy.

"To who?" said Jimbo.

"The Band," said Noddy.

"What band?" said Jimbo.

"You know! _The_ Band. What happened to them?" said Noddy.

"Dunno," said Scum. "They just sort of… went, like."

"Yeah," said Noddy. "But my mate's sister reckons she saw the lead singer working in a chip shop in Quirm."

"So? Your mate's sister reckons there's a werewolf in the Watch, too," said Jimbo. "And she said she saw a talking dog last week. Which is a load of rubbish."

"Yeah," said Crash. "Everyone knows there's no such thing as talking dogs. Maybe your mate ought to get her some of those dried frog pills or something."

"I told her that," said Noddy. "Then she hit me."

"How's your hand, Crash?" said Jimbo, changing the subject.

"All right," said Crash. "I took the glove off yesterday. D'you reckon I'll ever be able to play the guitar again?"

"Dunno," said Scum. "You couldn't before."

"You should be all right. Why'd you ask?" said Jimbo.

"Only my dad said I wouldn't be able to," said Crash. "He looked sort of happy, come to think about it," he added.

"Huh. What does he know?" said Noddy sullenly. "He's a _parent_. Parents don't understand us."

"Right," said Scum, nodding enthusiastically. "Like my mum and dad. I wanted to see that new band play in the Mended Drum last week – what're they called again?"

"Haze," supplied Jimbo.

"Yeah, s'right," said Scum. "And they wouldn't let me go! They said I was too young to go out on my own late at night."

"How old're you, Scum?" said Jimbo.

"Dunno," said Scum.

"Infamous H.U.G.E.'s playing in The Cavern tomorrow night," said Noddy. "Remember when we played there? Just before The Band?"

"Yeah," said Crash wistfully. "That was _brilliant_."

"Shame we weren't on for long, mind," said Noddy. "I was only on for a minute, then the crowd picked me up and threw me at you."

"So? Better than nothing, like," said Jimbo.

"I s'pose so," said Noddy reluctantly.

"You reckon we'll ever be famous?" said Jimbo.

"Yeah, of course we will," said Crash. "We just need a name."

"I liked "We're A Rubbish Band"," said Scum. "Or Trash – that's a good name."

"Trash?" said Crash.

"Yeah," said Scum. "My mate Beaver suggested it."

"Exactly _how_ did he suggest it, Scum?" said Crash warily.

"Well, he said his mum calls us trash," said Scum. "What do you think?"

"No, Scum. I don't think Trash is a good name for a band," said Crash.

The stable door opened, and Crash's mother peered round the door.

"Kevin, your tea's ready," she said.

"Mum! Go away, we're practising!" Crash shouted.

"Oh, I wondered what the noise was. Do your friends want to stay for tea as well, Kevin? They can if they want," said Crash's mother.

"_Mum_! Don't call me that!" shouted Crash.

"Call you what, Kevin?"

"That!"

"But it's your name, Kevin."

"I hate it, it's _sad_!"

"Now Kevin, stop being so silly. You're not too old to be sent to bed without your supper, you know."

Jimbo, Noddy and Scum sniggered, and Crash went red.

"Well, when you've finished, your tea's on the kitchen table. And don't forget to do your homework, Kevin," said his mother.

"Yes, Mum," mumbled Crash.

His mother nodded approvingly, and closed the door. There was an embarrassed silence.

"I didn't know you were called Kevin," said Scum.

"Shut up," said Crash shortly. "Well, anyway, keep thinking of names for the band, and I'll see you all in Hide Park tomorrow for the Ankh-Morpork Summer Festival rehearsal."

"We're playing at the Summer Festival?" said Jimbo.

"Not yet," said Crash. "But I reckon if we play our best songs, maybe someone from the Musician's Guild will notice our talent and we'll finally make it big."

"We have talent? Wow," said Noddy. "I didn't know that."

"Me either," said Scum.

Crash ignored them.

"See you tomorrow, then," he said.

"Right."

"Yeah."

"See you tomorrow."

xxxxxxxxxx

The day of the Ankh-Morpork Summer Festival rehearsal dawned. The air in Hide Park rang with conversation, laughter, the sound of the city's young musicians tuning their instruments, and the occasional crash as a group of trolls from the Guild of Builders, Engineers and Construction Workers tried to assemble the stage.

"Look at 'em," said Crash scornfully, as the four of them watched a group of excited young wizards eagerly setting up their instruments. "They look like a bunch of students."

"They _are_ a bunch of students," said Jimbo. "My sister works up at the University, and she says that lot are always hanging around the High Energy Magic Building."

"I thought music and magic don't go together, like," said Noddy.

"They don't," said Crash. "Have you heard them play? They're useless."

"At least they've got a name," said Scum.

"Stupid name, Chilly Act," said Crash. "What kind of name is that for a band?"

"At least they've _got_ a name, Crash," said Scum. "We haven't."

The band's anonymity was rapidly becoming a point of contention.

"Yeah, but at least we ain't got a stupid name like they have," said Crash, glancing at the wizards. One of them had just dropped his guitar on his foot.

"Bunch of students," he muttered again.

"They're all right, mind," said Jimbo. "Look what they lent us. They said they've been sort of making them and they wanted us to try one out."

The band regarded the device that was sitting in front of them. It was a large black box, about chest height, with lots of switches on the side. On top of the thing was a thick steel rod with a needle attached to the underside; beneath the rod was a large, thin black disc.

"Um, what is it?" said Scum at last.

"They said it's called a Changing-Music-To-Make-It-Sound-More-Interesting Device. Some bloke called Leonard of Quirm invented it. But they call it a Dex," said Jimbo.

"What's it do?" said Noddy.

"Watch this," said Jimbo, and spun the black disc. A slightly tinny bass beat began to play. As the other three watched, Jimbo made the disc spin in the other direction, then stopped it and changed the direction quickly – the disc made an interesting scratchy noise.

"Brilliant," said Scum, looking impressed.

"Not bad," said Crash. "I reckon that'd be good to use in our act. Jimbo, you can play the Dex."

"Cheers, Crash," said Jimbo.

"Right, let's start with "Anarchy In Ankh-Morpork"," said Crash, picking up his guitar. "On the count of three – one, two…"

"Hey, look," Scum interrupted, pointing to a man in a top hat, who was walking an enormous black cat on a lead. "It's that bloke from the circus who sold me Crash's leopardskin trousers!"

Crash gave an involuntary shudder.

"Afternoon, Mr Mantrap!" called Scum, waving to the man. "Hey, you got another leopard, then!"

The man shook his head.

"No, this isn't a leopard. This is our lynx. We've only just found him – he escaped from his cage last night."

"Guess that makes him sort of a Missing Lynx," laughed Jimbo, but no-one was listening. "Never mind," he said under his breath.

"A lynx? My dad says they're dangerous animals," said Crash.

"Oh, no, he's just a big softy really," said the man fondly, tickling the lynx behind the ears. It looked up at Crash, and started to dribble; Crash, looking nervous, backed away.

"Don't worry, young man, he won't hurt you," said the man briskly. "I assure you that he's perfectly harmless – oh no, not again!"

The lead snapped; with a sudden snarl, the lynx broke free and bounded towards Crash.

"Aaaaaaargh!" yelled Crash, dropping his guitar and running away as fast as his legs could carry him, with the supposedly harmless lynx in close pursuit.

"Hey, I just thought of a name for the band," said Scum brightly, as Jimbo and Noddy watched Crash heading in the direction of the park gates.

They both turned to look at him.

"Really?"

"What?"

Scum beamed.

"Lynx In Park," he said proudly.

_The End_


	2. Music With Rocks In References

Author's Notes  
  
One of my favourite things about Soul Music is trying to spot all the references to well-known bands. Some are pretty obvious - like Imp y Celyn's name meaning "Bud of the Holly", leading us to Buddy Holly - and others, like the leopard with hearing difficulties, are more subtle.  
  
So far, I've spotted the following:  
  
Imp y Celyn (meaning "Bud of the Holly") = Buddy Holly  
  
The constant running joke about Buddy being "elvish" is a blatant reference to Elvis Presley - especially when we eventually find Buddy working in the chip shop at Three Roses Alley in Quirm (remember all the jokes about Elvis working in the local chip shop?)  
  
Lias Bluestone or "Cliff" = possible reference to Cliff Richard?  
  
The band called "&U" = U2  
  
Dwarf band "We're Certainly Dwarfs" = They Might Be Giants  
  
And I've also figured out the miscellaneous rock songs mentioned in the book: Good Gracious Miss Polly is either "Good Golly Miss Molly" by Little Richard or "Good Golly Miss Molly" by Jerry Lee Lewis & Friends. "Don't Tread On My New Blue Boots" is Elvis' classic "Blue Suede Shoes".  
  
Sto Helit Lace was difficult - could it be "Spanish Lace" by Gene McDaniels (1967)? I think it's more likely to be "Chantilly Lace" by The Big Bopper - ah, yes, it could be. The Big Bopper also lost his life in the plane crash which killed Buddy Holly and Ritchie Valens, and since there's a big thing about Imp/Buddy being Buddy Holly (or sometimes Elvis Presley), I'm pretty sure the song is "Chantilly Lace".  
  
And Cumbling Michael's description of "a song about Great Fiery Balls" is clearly Jerry Lee Lewis' "Great Balls Of Fire".  
  
Crash's band name ideas: Insanity (Madness), Suck (Kiss), Surreptitious Fabric (obviously Velvet Underground), The Whom (The Who), The Blots (still haven't worked this one out - any ideas?), Lead Balloon (Led Zeppelin), "We're A Rubbish Band" (may be nothing - or possibly a reference to the band Garbage) and of course there's "Ande Supporting Bandes" (a badly- spelled version of the well-known phrase familiar to anyone who's ever been to a rock concert)  
  
"Anarchy In Ankh-Morpork" = the famous Sex Pistols song "Anarchy In The UK"  
  
The leopard with hearing difficulties ("It's sort of deaf. Can't hear the lion tamer") is a subtle reference to the band Def Leppard, as well as the obvious significance of the leopardskin trousers, which is regarded by many as an essential part of the whole punk music experience.  
  
Ironically, when talking about band names, Crash mentions that his dad says "A rolling stone gathers no moss" - very ironic that he doesn't even realise the significance of what he just said - The Rolling Stones is one of the best-known band names in the world! Another reference which I believed is also related to the Rolling Stones is Glod's redecoration of hotel rooms - a wonderfully ironic reference to the time-honoured tradition of rock bands wrecking hotel rooms  
  
Another thing pointed out to me recently by a very kind reviewer is when Scum gives Death (as Mr Scrub) some money in the street:  
  
"THANK YOU, said the grateful Death." which is a clear reference to band The Grateful Dead. Much kudos to the helpful reviewer, Moril known before as Delyon!  
  
Yet another thing, which had me kicking myself because I didn't spot it before, is a reference that appears not once but twice in Soul Music:  
  
[When the Dean's just been told off by Ridcully for being arrested after the concert in the Drum (page 130 of the Soul Music hardback)]  
  
"...Ridcully was going to say, oh, you're a rebel are you, what are you rebelling against, and he'd say... he'd say something pretty damn memorable, that's what he'd do!  
  
But the Archchancellor had stalked off.  
  
'mumblemumblemumble,' said the Dean defiantly, a rebel without a pause."  
  
[And on the penultimate page (285) when Death returns home]  
  
"A voice which only he heard said: So you're a rebel, little Death? Against what?  
  
Death thought about it. If there was a snappy answer, he couldn't think of one."  
  
These are both references to a very famous rock-and-roll era film called Rebel Without A Cause, starring James Dean. It was made in 1955, and the most famous two lines from it are "What are you rebelling against?" and James Dean's immortal reply "What have you got?" So in case you were wondering about the significance of those two bits in the book, that's the answer.  
  
The glove that Crash is forced to wear on his hand after being attacked by his "leopardskin trousers" - "Whoever heard of a serious musician with a glove?" - is almost certainly a reference to the sequinned glove that Michael Jackson used to wear.  
  
And of course, Jimbo is very proud of smashing his guitar onstage at The Cavern (on Scum) - everyone knows that The Who were infamous for smashing their instruments onstage.  
  
Following in the footsteps of Terry Pratchett, I've thrown in several more up-to-date music and popular culture references of my own. In case you didn't spot them, here they are:  
  
Foreign Termite Ranch = Alien Ant Farm Soggy Wafer = Limp Bizkit The Crimson Flaming Cold Peppers = Red Hot Chilli Peppers Paradise = Nirvana Skymaker = Aerosmith (that one took me a while!) Apez = Gorillaz Trash = Garbage Haze = Blur Infamous H.U.G.E. = Notorious B.I.G.  
  
The thing about sullen, moody young Crash's real name being Kevin is pretty funny, but if you haven't seen Harry Enfield being Kevin The Teenager then you might not get the joke. I think I offended one of my reviewers, whose name really IS Kevin, so many apologies to him - I don't think Kevin is a sad name at all, I was just paying homage to the Harry Enfield character.  
  
The thing about Chilly Act (Coldplay!) being "a bunch of students" is that a few months ago, Coldplay were making anti-war statements at a fund- raising concert for children with cancer, and Oasis frontman Liam Gallagher (who was also playing that night) was not impressed - he was quoted as saying that he thought Coldplay were just a bunch of [censored] students. A very, very obscure reference, but I thought it would be fun to throw it in and see if anyone noticed.  
  
We already know that Ponder Stibbons and his fellow student wizards invented Hex, the Discworld's first computer - so why not have them building a Dex (you know, a set of DJ's turntables, commonly referred to as "decks") too? Of course, Leonard of Quirm had to invent it - hence the long name characteristic of all Leonard's inventions.  
  
And finally, we have the punchline: "Lynx In Park". Don't get it? Keep saying it really fast until you realise that it is, in fact, meant to be Linkin Park (who are, in my opinion, the best nu-metal band ever!).  
  
So, did you like this fic? I thought I'd do it because no-one ever writes about Crash, Jimbo, Noddy and Scum, and I thought that they deserved some recognition - their bits are probably among the funniest in the whole of Soul Music! I wondered what might have happened to them after Soul Music - after all, the music doesn't go away completely, as anyone who's read the comment about the Ankh-Morpork City Watch's new Igor should know: the young Igor is described as having a hairstyle reminiscent of "some of the city's noisier young musicians".  
  
(This quote is from "The Truth", when William de Worde goes down to Igor's cellar in the Watch House.) And since Igor has a quiff - like Elvis - I'm convinced that Music With Rocks In still lives on.  
  
If you have any questions or comments, please e-mail me at: pokemonqueen@lycos.co.uk 


End file.
